Often in our interactions with family and
friends, problems being encountered would inevitably be brought up. Inevitably
too, in trying to be helpful, we often react by giving advice on how to solve
the problem.
However,
this is generally not recommended, for the following reasons:
We assume
we know what the problem is and forget to be a listener, to find out enough
details about the problem and the other person’s point of view.
We forget
to extend empathy to the woes of the other person.
We get
‘credit’ for being the one to give the advice since the advice is likely to be
something that the adviser has done, or others have done that was successful. If
the listener does not succeed or had done it before but it was not successful,
the implication is that it is not because the advice was not good, but the
listener has not applied it well. This tends to make the advisee feel stupid
and incompetent.
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When we
give advice, we’re talking ‘down’ to the other person as we become the
‘expert’. We’re so eager to talk and show our knowledge and ‘wisdom’ that we do
not interact at an ‘equal’ level with the other person. We take on the position
of ‘expert’ and might tend to forget that the other person also has knowledge
to share with us.
We are
giving the message that we think the person cannot work out the solution
himself. This is disempowering for the other person.
We belittle
the efforts that have been taken by the person. We become the evaluator of what
the person has done rather than helping him/her to self-evaluate.
Example of
Advice Giving:
A: Jolyn
and I are having problems. We have been having more quarrels lately.
B: Hmm I’m
always thought both of you were not suitable for each other. (B is getting
credit for his prediction. B is not asking questions to find out more about A’s
problems)
A: Well, we
were getting along well. But I’ve been very busy with work recently and haven’t
had time to go out with her. She feels I’m spending too much time on work.
B: It shows
she does not understand you (B is assuming he knows what the problem is). Maybe
you should break up with her (advice giving, implying A cannot work out a
solution). It could be a blessing in disguise.
A: I’d be
miserable. Don’t know what I’d do without her.
B: You’ll
get over it (B is not extending empathy to A). I did too when I broke up with
Doris 2 years ago. (B is giving himself credit)
A: I sent
her roses to make up, but it doesn’t seem to work.
B: I don’t
think that will work with her (evaluating what A has done). Since she wants
time with you, just put aside your work and make time for her.
A: I have
deadlines to meet.
B: Well,
you must decide what you want (this is not likely to be helpful to A’s dilemma
and might make him feel stupid and incompetent instead.)
Using
Questions in conversations is generally more helpful as it helps the other
person think through the issues that they have. Example is this conversation
below:
A: Jolyn
and I are having problems. We have been having more quarrels lately.
B: I’m
sorry to hear that (extending empathy). Would you like to tell me more about
it? (being a listener, to find out details of problem)
A: I’ve
been really busy with my work and haven’t had time to go out with her. She
feels I’m spending too much time on work.
B: Has it
always been this way with your work?
A: No, it’s
these recent two months because of a big project. Deadlines to meet and other
work pressures.
B: Must be
tough on you. (Extending empathy to A and indirectly giving credit to A for
holding up)
A: Yah but
I do need to make time for Jolyn I have been working too hard. I should ease up
a bit (self-evaluation). I think I’ll send her some flowers afterward and then
call her for a dinner date tomorrow. (Coming up with his own solutions)
B: All the
best
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